Corrective, self-criticism,; that’s what hurts most.
Ever find yourself being overly critical of something you have done? For me it generates some pretty extreme feelings e.g., remorse, regret, disappointment, disgust, dissatisfaction, self-loathing, guilt, sorrow, etc. etc. These feelings then create thoughts such as, “you acted like an idiot” or maybe “you screwed up”, which then trigger more feelings like the previously mentioned. This is, if I am honest with myself, my conscience trying to help me learn. It doesn’t want me to suffer and it doesn’t want me to hurt, but it does want me to know the truth. Which isn’t always sunshine and rainbows. When I accept this I learn something about what not to be or do. Plus It’s kind of cool to get plus two attribute points towards volition.
There’s a catch though. I have to listen. Not superficially, but LISTEN by asking questions in order to understand. So when I hear, “you acted like an idiot” I reply “How?”. Then continue the conversation until it arrives at a mutual accord (harmony). This is the bittersweet aspect for me. I have understood the wrong, accepted it, and show it through my actions.
Sometimes this can take a minute though. metaphorically speaking of course. In fact, at times it doesn’t flow like above. That’s a best case scenario. There are times when I hear, “you acted like an idiot” and I reply “No I didn’t” and rationalize it with some bogus, over the top justification. I found that this approach will prolong a grief period; I have tasted victory.
I write to inspire my moral conduct and expedite those things I define as auspicious, e.g., forgiving myself.
“The one thing that doesn’t abide by majority rule is a person’s conscience.”
― To Kill a Mockingbird