Loves hiding place

I never knew it was true

That one could love me as you

I held the dream only at night

Never realizing I would find it in the light

 

This was how it went

As each season became spent

For years it repeated the same

I couldn’t help but think, am I the one to blame

 

Nonetheless, I always turned toward hope

It was all I found to keep me afloat. 

So I clung to it as a bird to the wind

Always wondering if I would find it in the end

 

Then one day I chose to walk towards a fear

Knowing that vulnerability can often cause tears

I took a deep breath and didn’t look back 

I held steadfast as I took this new track

 

I walked for years before my ears stumbled on a song

It touched me so intimately I knew it couldn’t be wrong

When I reached the source my eyes became stars

I was staring directly into a love without a single scar 

 

Love held out its hand without a spoken word

As soon as I took it, we began to sing the same chord

I twirled her and danced with a funny voice

All the while delighted I took a difficult choice.

 

Residing beyond time, it escapes the future and holds no past. The now is all it will ever know. You’ll find it here, that magical space between our hearts. ~Alan Dilts

Righteous Surrender

I offered my heart, I offered my soul

You said thanks, but no. 

So I gave it to you anyway without even trying

I only wanted to show I wasn’t lying. 

 

In return I asked for nothing

Yet found you gave something.

It danced on a sparkle and twisted on a smile

Every time I noticed, I would grin like a child

 

Then one day you came with sapphires wide

I could see there had been a shift in the tide.

Now you gave the warmth of a kiss

The passion far from amiss. 

 

We placed in each a part

It’s called, a portion of the heart

It glowed with the light 

And for a moment all was right

 

Then in life’s furried haste

I watched as things began to waste

I tried to nurture what I helped create

But soon realized it was already too late

 

So I chose to be thankful for what we had to share

I did what I did because I care

I smiled and said you’ve always been free

And watched as you flew with glee

 

Away you went until I could see no more

But I found I felt far from poor. 

I was so happy I could hardly bear.

Grateful for the gift you chose to share.

 

 

“Our survival as a species depends on our ability to recognize that our well-being and the well-being of others are in fact one in the same” ~Dr. Marshall Rosenberg (Founder of nonviolent communication)

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Promenade

Where do you run when you don’t want to be found? Where do you hide when no one is around? Would you share these answers of the heart if I proved to be true? Would you show me your flaws and would you place your warmth in mine if I give it enough time? Would you let me walk with your hand when you’re frightened? If I could see your pain would you share it even if it made me blue? If all these things I were to ask what would you think? If real is what I search and truth is in my heart will you see that I am not a fraud? Would you accept my gifts in private and in public? Would I be more than a secret behind a closed door? Could you give the love you were made to give? Could it be open for the world to see or shown only in times of your need? What are you thinking now that you see and what are you going to do now that you know?

 

“There is something in every one of you that waits and listens for the sound of the genuine in yourself. It is the only true guide you will ever have.” ~Howard Thurman~

 

 

From the Heart, A Sonnet

To love you

Did I get it wrong or right?

I did dance with the sparkle white

But I danced also with tears turned blue

I share all with you

Round and round emotions held tight

How many days are in twilight

This I can answer true

It matters not for two is one

Radiant beauty its smile

Joy like a child of

Everyday then becomes more fun

Walking hand in hand this mile

We share this word, LOVE. 

 

 

“You cannot carry out fundamental change without a certain amount of madness. In this case, it comes from nonconformity, the courage to turn your back on old formulas, the courage to invent the future” ~Capt. Thomas Sankara

Shifting Tides

One day a rain storm came my way. 

I didn’t invite it along or want it to play.

But without even asking, it decided to stay.

 

It dumped and it poured all it’s liquid true

Soaking my clothing it sure made me blue.

Until I realized, to my surprise, it had a different hue. 

 

I could see it’s smile through a sunshine dance.

It twisted and turned with many colors of its glance.

Then I saw the beauty it held in a rainbows chance.

 

My eyes grew wide and my smile stretched high.  

I was witnessing the joy of a newborn sky, 

Then, all of a sudden, I felt warm and dry. 

 

It started from the inside and bubbled out,

Removing every reason I had found to pout. 

I soon understood; love is the only way out. 

 

“Perception itself, is not truth” ~ Jedi Reach~

Completing a Journey

Wow, what can I say? The events of my venture east have, thus far, been nothing I could have anticipated or prepared for. Still, this trip isn’t a bad one and I find that I am learning much as I go, especially about the reptilian insurance company I am insured through. 

 

I called Monique and explained the situation. She was notably upset and overwhelmed by the stress of RV failures and the lack of accountability by the insurance company. I could hear the sorrow and feel her tears of frustration. I tried to be supportive, but it only went so far. She had determined the RV was garbage and now looked at it with animosity. I felt for her pain, but was hoping she may find a more optimistic stance. I also understood what was creating the feelings and thoughts as they were trying to manifest inside my mind as well. Once she calmed down she gladly helped locate a local tow company that would be willing to come and pick up the RV. She called and set everything up! I truly am fortunate to have such a wonderful woman in my life. I thanked her and tried to reassuring her the road ahead would be less turbulent. As I waited for the tow truck I couldn’t stop feeling blessed. I have a wonderful woman in my life who, although not perfect, is always striving and working towards something. She shines like a beacon of light in the darkest of nights in the roughest of seas. If only she could see in herself what I see in her. My mind wandered in this state of gratitude until the tow truck arrived. 

 

It was about six in the evening when the driver of the tow truck greated me. He ran through the familiarity of where I wanted to go, if I needed to be taken any place particular, or if there was any assistance he could offer. I politely asked if he could tow the RV to a local mechanic that would be willing to let me stay in it while I waited. He gave a curious look, which didn’t go unnoticed, so I explained my situation. When I finished he smiled, and with a friendly voice said he knew exactly where to take me. He recommended the mechanic himself and said they do good work. I was willing to take his word for it since I didn’t really have anything else to go with. As he dropped me off he wished me good luck and and offered one last time to take me anywhere if I needed. I again declined and bid him a happy farewell. Now what to do?

 

I contemplated for a little while about possible solutions to my current problems. One being that i was supposed to start a job in three days time in ohio and the other being financial affordability. SInce it was Friday and the mechanic was closed until Monday I didn’t know exactly what I was going to do about work. I decided to call my friend Clayton and inquire for advice. I’m glad I did too. He simply asked where I was and said he would bring his truck and come get me so I could start work on Monday. Keep in mind this is a ten and a half hour drive in one direction. For the second time in only a short time I was feeling overwhelmed with gratitude and thankfulness. Clayton would come the next evening with his truck, we would load all my belongings, which isn’t much, into it, sleep for the night in the RV, and then leave for Ohio the next day. This ment Clayton would arrive Saturday and we would leave Sunday. Providing no mishaps this would also allow me to start a job as soon as I return. I’m not big on money, but also don’t want to be broke. This RV is quickly draining the savings fund. I went to bed that night rather peacefully, with a smile on my face. 

 

The next morning I awoke and called Monique to inform her of the plan. She was glad a solution had come, but was concerned with financial costs and rather we could continue to put so many resources into the RV. It was a concern I had been struggling with as well. Our saving was almost depleted and neither of us were sure the RV could even be fixed. Now we were both discussing the second problem I was wrestling with, financial adequacy and affordability. We discussed every option from leaving it, selling it, fixing it, giving it away, putting it in storage, and trading it. Ultimately we both thought it would be a shame to do anything but keep it. We had already invested so much into it and eventually there should come a time when everything will be fixed. This just meant that we would have to pinch pennies for a short time. It’s nothing we aren’t familiar with anyway. I thanked Monique for her advice and tried again to assure her things would all work out; I could tell she was still visibly distraught over the proceedings thus far. I said one last I love you, hoping it would give her a little strength, and assured her all would be well. Now what to do until Clayton arrived?

 

I spent the rest of the day reading, meditating, throwing some discs, eating, and doing a little writing . Before I knew it ten in the evening was upon me and I found myself dozing in and out of coherent consciousness while I waited on Clayton. He had to work until one in the afternoon so I knew he would be late getting in. It seemed like only a heartbeat since I closed my eyes that the back door was being flung open and I was embraced in a hug suitable for a bear. Right behind him was Mr. Tim Hinch. I was glad that he had decided to come along and join Clayton, it was my reward. Unfortunately Tim wasn’t feeling the best. I made a nice nest for him to cuddle up in and catch some rest before we set off in the morning. Meanwhile Clayton and I loaded his truck bed with all my material belongings which, after finishing, made me feel proud of myself. That night we settled in a little late; there is always much friends can catch up on. 

 

In true Clayton form he was awake, bouncy, and ready to tackle the day much earlier than Tim or myself would have liked. Although tired, we were all ready to go. The first memorable event transpired at the I-80 rest area West of Des Moines. We pulled into the rest area to take a morning bathroom room break; coffee has a tendency to shrink the bladder of whoever drinks it. As we were walking towards the restrooms I noticed a small, black circular object on the ground. I smiled as I picked it up checked it over. I decided give it a quick wipe down even though there were no obvious signs of dirt. It also looked structurally sound, i.e., it was in good order and should work fine. With that I pulled my hair into a much needed pony tail and used the new found pearl as a restraint. The moment I did this Clayton about lost his breakfast. Here is a gentleman who stands six feet two inches tall, weighs two hundred and thirty pounds, and has a humor that delves between morbidly twisted and care bear sunshine, and is repulsed by my insertion of a hair tie. I was taken aback that my, normal to me, action caused such a response. For the next couple of weeks I heard the story repeated and numerous more individuals express their discontent with my actions. Guess it’s not common place to utilize a hair tie one finds anyplace other than a store. Regardless it was now in my hair and we were back on the road and heading towards Ohio, but with one little detour. 

 

In the early afternoon we reached a small Indiana town, the name of which has long left my memory, where we decided to play a round of disc golf. It took two hours to get in a full eighteen holes. This was one of the best laid courses I have had the opportunity to play. It was well manicured and the upkeep was almost perfection. Tim, Clayton, and myself all found enjoyment even though we had difficulty with the course; some days your game is on and some days your game is off. That’s the long and short of it.   After our round we drove, most uneventfully, back to Ohio. 

 

We arrived at my grandparents house, this is where I will be staying, around 8 pm. My grandparents, both in there eighties, were up and waiting on me. This is nothing unusual from my grandmother, but for my grandfather to wait up was a complete surprise. I have my personal conclusion of why he was awake, but I haven’t asked him so I cannot say if my deduction was accurate or not. Regardless, I was very thankful to see him. With large, childlike grins my grandmother and I shared an embrace that is loves reunion. To my surprise my grandfather shared the same embrace with me that my father did.  

“I remember no day in my life so full of toil, distress, and exhaustion, and yet so full of happiness and keen gratification.” ~Hudson Stuck~

Enjoying hardship; A unique and delightful change continued

I was a little concerned as I went up the pass leaving Salt Lake City, but soon felt relief as the RV was running very well. In fact, It drove all the way through Utah and into Wyoming without issue. Unfortunately after about 400 miles it did the same thing it had previously done on this venture Eastward. At this point I am almost to Laramie, WY. (roughly 55 miles west). I get on the bull horn with the insurance company and play the fifty questions. It takes about 35 minutes before she tells me it’ll be 4 hrs before anyone can get to me. My reply, “if it’s all I got, it’s all I got”. I heard her start to say something and then the line went dead. Oh well she has my location and has someone lined up to provide the tow. Now, what to do in my spare time? I pass the rest of the sunlight hours throwing discs at the portable disc golf basket and reading by headlamp for the after sunlight time. At 9:30 PM I decided I should call the insurance as the tow in 45 minutes late. This is when they informed me they didn’t complete the request for a tow because the line was disconnected and they needed my verbal acknowledgement to provide service. I asked a series of questions, e.g., “I called you because I needed a tow. What’s logical about stating you were unsure if I still needed it?”, always receiving the same robotic response, “Sorry for the inconvenience, Mr. Dilts.” At this point I saw red and just hung up the phone. No one was willing to answer any questions I asked, l felt disappointed, and I was just plain angry. I can’t talk to robotic surfs when I’m in this mood. I called Monique for some emotional support because she’s pretty good at calming me down. Her soft, gentle voice has a way of dissolving all stress and concern. She was disappointed with the insurance, but encouraged me to see if it would start. I had no faith in the insurance so I figured it was worth a shot. When I turned the key the RV roared to life. In an instant I put it in gear and I was off, making my way up the rest of the mountain.IMG_20180919_180446

 

“Keep going, baby. Keep going” was the mantra I repeated to the RV. At the crest of the mountain I took my foot off the gas to start the descent, but when I released pressure on the gas pedal it failed to spring up with my foot. I was gaining speed at too quick a rate. At this point my internal guide took over and decided it was time to just mash the brake pedal and see what happened; I did just have all new brakes installed, might as well test them. The vehicle quickly came to an almost complete stop as I pulled it to the side of the road. Almost instantly I understood here was an opportunity. There was plenty of room to be off the road and it was a flat, grassy surface that assured I wouldn’t be endangering myself or any other motorist. I turned the key off and placed the gear shift in Drive with a very shaky hand. It took about five minutes before I could do anything beyond cry and shake. After I regained what composure I could muster I called Monique. She knew immediately from the tone of my voice something was wrong; I could hear and sense the concern in hers. I explained to her what had just happened and refused to drive any further. (I was ready to walk away from the RV at this moment). I found no contestation from her on this, but did find sympathetic understanding. She was just as concerned with the gas pedal as I was and emphasized if it couldn’t be fixed then we will sell it. She had also been in contact with our insurance agency trying to figure out what and why they were doing what they’re doing. Her magic didn’t stop there; she informed me she had talked to the tow truck driver they had originally said they were going to dispatch. He was currently on his way to me. (Monique is a gift from the universe and shines like an everlasting star. She is everything anyone could ever desire in a partner. I am truly fortunate)

I pass the time waiting on the tow driver by attempting to meditate. I felt this was the most beneficial thing I could do given my current emotional, psychological, and spiritual state. I never made it to the stillness, but I did manage to slow my heart rate, lower my anxiety, stress, tension, and acquire a more relaxed mode of thought. I consider this successes gift. And just like that the tow driver has arrived.

The driver, a middle aged man who is roughly six foot, 280 lbs, and looks like he has been doing this type of work for some time, was friendly, considerate, and compassionate. He had the RV locked and ready to tow in a matter of minutes; the whole while showing and explaining to my curiosity the entire process of hooking up. It only took a quarter of an hour to complete the process from start to finish. With the RV now hooked I climb in the cab.IMG_20180919_225915

 

The tow truck is surprisingly high for its size and I am required to use the running board, steps, and hand bar. The seat is rather comfortable and the truck is exceptionally clean, inside and out. As Brandon enters he continues the conversation we had started out side of the truck (insurance companies and policies). He then asked if I wanted it towed to the nearest Ford dealership as it was the insurances request to do so. I gave a little chuckle and replied, “absolutely not”. Do you know of a local shop with honest, working folk that would work on it?” I asked. He smiled a smile that only gave reassurance and said he did. He informed me that I would be able to stay in the RV for the night as the shop owner was understanding and had a good moral ethic behind him. I was oober stoked to hear this wonderful news. Any way I can save money is a plus as mechanical bills are rather expensive. We arrived at the shop a little before one in the morning and it took all of seven minutes for Brandon to have the RV off the wrecker. I thanked him one last thank you and with a warm smile bid him farewell.

I must also mention that throughout this ordeal, the continuous breakdowns, I have been in contact with a number of friends and relatives discussing the symptoms of the RV. Each having a unique perspective and each giving similar advice. They all seemed to have a few things in mind. One was the fuel pump, the other was a sending unit, and the third was a bad engine. Of these I was hoping it would be the fuel pump as it would be the most cost effective.

I woke at 7:45 AM and was in Laramie Automotive and Diesel at 8:00 AM. I explained my situation and the problems the RV was giving me. Jason, the mechanic and owner, was very straightforward with me and explained that they were booked solid for two days and if I wanted him to diagnose it I would need to wait. He was confident he could figure it out, but the timing of my visit wasn’t the best. We discussed my options and he offered to look at a few things as he was finishing up a job and had a free moment. After he gave it a once over he said it looked good underneath and had no leaks, nor did anything look out of the ordinary. He noted the fuel pump as being an original part, but couldn’t say if it was bad or not. I thanked him and after a few more minutes asked if he would be willing to skip the diagnostic and just replace the fuel pump. I was on a time crunch and needed to be in Ohio by the 24th. My time was ticking away and these breakdowns had me well behind schedule. Jason explained to me that the fuel pump could be fine and might not be the problem, but if I wanted him to do it he would squeeze it in as his appointment had just called and informed he was going to be a little late. Let us do it I said. I figured if it wasn’t the fuel pump I would at least not have to worry about future issues concerning it and if it was the engine, well, I wanted to drive it as far East as I could. My reasoning was: the closer to Ohio I got the more opportunity I had to receive help from friends and family. I also knew I had four tows left from the insurance company before I would have to pay out of pocket.

As Jason replaced the fuel pump I walked about a mile away to a pilot truck stop to have a coffee and use the wifi. This would allow me to check/send emails, research some more about the RV and potential problems, and make some phone calls. I was at the pilot for an hour when my phone rang. It was Laramie Auto. They said Jason had finished replacing the pump, was out test driving it to ensure it functioned properly, and asked if I would like  to be picked up. I accepted with much thanks and then went outside to wait. Within two minutes Jason was pulling in to pick me up. As we made the short ride back to the shop he explained to me that the engine model I have is notorious for throwing rods and cracking blocks, so I should be vigilant of it. This was not the news I wanted to hear, but it was a beautiful piece of advice. I inquired how he thought it drove and he said smooth. He was surprised it’s condition on the inside and under the hood was clean and well maintained. We arrived back at the shop and I payed for the service provided, gave a warm thanks. As I left Laramie I still had an uneasy feeling in my gut. Something just gnawed at me saying I didn’t fix the correct problem. I acknowledged this feeling with acceptance, but knew I needed to press on.

In no time at all I was up the last pass and heading down into Nebraska. I was very joyous at this point. It meant I was now closer to Ohio than to California and I was over half way. Not only that, but it was nothing but rolling hills and flat land ahead of me. I hoped this would put less strain on the RV and maybe it would drive a little better. I made it to about 90 miles outside of LIncoln, Nebraska and parked at rest area that night as a rainstorm came in. The RV ran like a champ and I had considered trying to make it further, but that little voice told me to stop so I listened. I asleep to the patter of rain on the roof and enjoying the smell of it’s fresh fall. The following morning I woke at about 4:00 AM to get an early start and avoid the rush hour traffic in Lincoln and Omaha.

The drive through the rest of Nebraska was uneventful and rather pleasant. I managed to avoid all the traffic and was conquering the hills of Iowa with a nice pace. The scenery, early fall, was beautiful and I found myself enjoying the colors of orange, yellow red, pink, and green as I passed. Then, out of nowhere, the RV lost power and started making some noises that I had never heard a vehicle make before. I managed to pull it over to the shoulder, which wasn’t very big, and get out of the way of the traffic before it stalled. Guess it wasn’t the fuel pump I thought. Oh well. I will call the insurance and hopefully have a better result. It was now eight in the morning and the traffic was becoming heavy. I checked my map with the mile marker directly in front of me and noticed I was only 20 miles from Des Moines, the largest city in Iowa. At least it shouldn’t be difficult to get a tow I thought to myself.

I got on the bullhorn with the Insurance company and gave them my location. After our 35 minute conversation of repetitious questioning they said they had a driver dispatched and he would be there in an hour. I thanked them and got off the phone. I was feeling good about the situation and hoping the new problem was not going to be overly expensive. What to do for the next hour though. I know, I will practice this ukulele and see if I can’t make some progress on a couple songs I was attempting to learn. My dexterity isn’t the best and my movements could be considered choppy and clumsy by many. Good thing I didn’t have an audience that would be critiquing me. When I stopped playing I realized it had been an hour and a half since I started. This meant the tow truck was late. I decided to give the insurance another call to ensure everything was still scheduled. It’s a good thing I did this because they informed me the tow company had cancelled the tow and they had not found a replacement yet. I inquired as to why they did not call and notify me to which I got the same robotic answer, “our mistake, sorry for the inconvenience”. I asked a few more questions and we ended the conversation with them saying they will call me when they find someone willing to tow the RV. How many times must I hear “sorry for the inconvenience” before they stop providing the inconvenience? I was now wondering if this was something I could come to expect from them, and if so, is it worth the struggle. I was also wondering why it was so difficult to get a tow when I’m only 20 miles from the largest and most populated city in the state. Oh, well. Life happens and best not to get to upset or emotional over circumstances which develop unexpectedly.

I spent the next hour and a half meditating, mainly to regain the state of calm I have become familiar with, and reading Might Of The Thoughts By Billy Eduard Albert Meier. All I can say of the material contained within this book is WOW. This really helped the time pass quick. I know how long I spent on them because I checked the time of when I last spoke with the insurance company to when they called back to inform me they found a company willing to assist. I was so tickled they called back that I thanked the insurance agent with renewed enthusiasm. I then requested if they knew when I could expect the tow company to arrive. I was told it would be within the hour and if they did not show up by the end of an hour to call the agent back and we would figure out what is going on. Awesome sauce, I hope I don’t have to give you guys a call back was my reply. With that out of the way I returned to my book. Rereading what I had already read. I did this because the material can be difficult and I want to make sure I give it the attention it deserves. Plus I’m motivated to continuously improve myself. Not the most fascinating of topics in the culture of today, but one I enjoy nonetheless. By the time I finish reading I realize it has been an hour and a quarter since I got off the phone with the insurance company. Sweet baby Jeebus, please tell me this isn’t happening I thought. Oh well, back on the phone I go.

I get through to an agent for the third time and find out that this new company cancelled too. “Why do they keep canceling?, I inquire. The agent informed they didn’t give any information other than to say they were cancelling the service. He told me not to worry he would see if he could find another company, but I would have to wait on hold. “No problem, I’m not going anywhere.” I said with a slight laugh in my tone. After twenty minutes he returned to tell me he couldn’t find anyone who would tow me and I would have to pay for a tow out of pocket by calling around to the local companies, but not to worry they would reimburse me within 14-21 days of receiving a receipt. I made a sarcastic comment that went somewhere along the lines of: if that’s how long it takes you to compensate for services, no wonder you can’t find anyone willing to work with you. In hindsight this was me letting out some frustration in a less than productive way. The comment wasn’t going to make the situation better. I then informed him that I had no data on my phone and no way of searching for a tow company. His advice. And you can’t make this kind of stuff up, “Well, Mr. Dilts you’re going to have to call 911 for a tow”. I laughed for a good twenty seconds until I realized he was serious. “So you want me to tie up the local emergency line with a tow problem, correct?” I asked. The one word reply I got, yes, left me baffled. I immediately informed him needing a tow is not what the 911 service is for and, as a former EMT, I found this recommendation incompetent and abhorrent. I also tried to find a more constructive solution by asking if he could look up numbers of local tow companies and provide them to me. This would, in my mind, be a perfect solution. He would be helping me, which is a motto I thought insurance companies operated under, and we wouldn’t tie up the emergency service line. I was flabbergasted when he refused stating policy prevented him from doing such a thing. This was almost the straw that broke the camel’s back, but I held my temper and chose to question his actions instead. To every question came the same, mundane robotic response, “I am sorry for the inconvenience Mr. Dilts”. He showed no moral compass, no compassion, no understanding, nor did he seem to care. He just simply stated it’s policy and that was that. I ended the conversation without even a simple good-bye or have a nice day.  

I have said this once before and I will say it again, hoping a seed may find root somewhere in this beautiful world. “One does not have to follow an order because it is demanded of them. Fear oppresses freedom, obedience oppresses free will, and oppressed liberty is slavery’s welcome”. To be continued, again…..

See Also: Soap Box Truth: A Hasty Retreat, Avoidance, Dismissal, and Shunning

“Stay away from negative people. They have a problem for every solution” ~Albert Einstein~